i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
