I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
