I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
