Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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