i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
