I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
