I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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