it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
