My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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