I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
