Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
