you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Randomize
