My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
