i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
