Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
