Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
