I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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