bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
