i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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