is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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