i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
