There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
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