Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
