normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
