I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
