I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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