I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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