make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
