wakey wakey hands off snakey
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
