I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
