is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
