just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
