I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
