I only kidnapped one of them. chill
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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