Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
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i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
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Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah