Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals