i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.