She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
