You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
