I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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