Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
