It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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