Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
