Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Randomize
