tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
