I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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