Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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