Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
