i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
