I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
