i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
