The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
