I hope mine doesn't look like that
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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