I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
