M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
