you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
