y did u give ur computer a hand job?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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