my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Too much gin, very little bucket
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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