booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
