i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
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I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
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Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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