She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
