In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
