I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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