I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
