i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
