xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
